Q: I have a son who just turned 12 and is a great kid, but has increasingly been getting very frustrated (sometimes to the point of tears) when things don’t go his way. For example, an obnoxious 4-year-old was sitting near him during a city tour, occasionally invading his space, and he cried when he got off the tour that the little kid had ruined the whole experience, even though he’d been having a wonderful time until the kid got on for the last bit. He’ll have a fun day with his friends and then come home and have a minor conflict with his little sister and then say that has ruined his whole day. We will have his favorite thing for dinner but me asking him to have a portion of vegetables that he doesn’t equally love will ruin the whole meal. Is this prepubescent drama? Is this entitlement? I had a really dysfunctional childhood so it’s hard for me to compare, but, as a kid, I never expected that things would always go my way. Perspective, please?
A: You are not alone in parenting an easily frustrated young man, nor are you alone in having to overcome a dysfunctional childhood (while parenting, too). I have a couple of questions for you to consider: His frustration has been increasing, so what was it before? And have there been any transitions, changes, losses, traumas or even good events that have happened recently? Part of gaining perspective is doing your best to see the fullest picture of what your son is going through; socially, emotionally, physically and psychologically.
As Jennifer Fink, author of “Building Boys,” says: “Boys can start puberty as early as 9, so this isn’t prepubescent drama; this is pretty typical pubescent drama. Emotions of all kinds are heightened during adolescence, so it’s common for strong emotions to arise suddenly — and to catch both the adolescent and his parents off guard.”
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The hormones surging through his body and brain can truly feel out of control to both of you, and they appear to come out of nowhere. Cara Natterson, pediatrician and author of “Decoding Boys” and the upcoming book “This Is So Awkward,” agrees. “A 12-year-old is likely in the midst of it, since the average age for entering puberty has dropped to 8-9 for genetic females and 9-10 for genetic males. By 12, the vast majority are in the thick of managing hormonal ups and downs. And yes, regardless of gender, moods can swing in a variety of directions. Some kids get quiet; others get easily frustrated; some burst into hysterical laughter or easily spring tears; and some do all of the above.”
Fink recommends expanding your son’s emotional vocabulary and developing his emotional regulation skills. Find some simple strategies that any parent can use: first, naming what you can see, such as, “I see how frustrated you are by your sister,” or “I see how upset you are about that extra food on your plate.” Next, Fink suggests validating his emotions with empathy and curiosity: “I know it can be annoying when little kids invade your space,” or “I have siblings; I can imagine how tiring it is to deal with your sister.”
Before going in with any strategy, though, take the emotional regulation temperature of your son. When any human is distraught, the prefrontal cortex is unavailable to them. This means that the part of the brain that makes rational decisions and balances thought and emotion is offline. Often, attempts to connect can go sideways. His brain could even read your attempts at love and connection as another thing to be upset about. That’s how humans are; if we aren’t ready for connection, we fully reject it. So, take a beat (or several) and wait until your son reaches what feels like a “green zone” of regulation.
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“It’s not uncommon for young teens to see the world in absolutes. Something is either all good or all bad,” Fink says. “That shifts as their capacity for abstract thought matures.” That is good news for parents of tweens and teens everywhere. If you allow the feelings to come out and help him find and use the words to describe his thoughts and feelings, you will help raise a young man who won’t need to blow up, hide feelings or freeze.
As you use these strategies, I would like you to keep note of how he is reacting to your emotional regulation, but I also want you to get clearer on what is setting him off. It appears to be the little boy or the sister or the veggie on the plate, but I would like to see more detail. What time of the day is it? Is he hungry? What is the back and forth before the explosion (if any)? What is his sleep like? While emotions can get big during puberty, his extreme reactions may require diving in a bit deeper. I am not making any diagnoses here, so please seek out your pediatrician’s guidance if your son doesn’t improve with some basic empathic strategies.
Finally, parenting is hard enough on its own, but when we add our own trauma into the mix, we can feel truly lost. To emotionally co-regulate with our children, we have to have some mastery over our own emotions, why we are feeling them and methods to react to them. Please seek therapy, parent coaching, group therapy, books and more as a way to offer yourself compassion and accountability. No compassion, no change. Without accountability, it’s all empty words. I am particularly enjoying “The Unexpected Gift Of Trauma,” by Edith Shiro. Your hard childhood can move from something to endure to something that makes you an even better human and parent. Good luck.
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